i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
