I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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