Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She is in my trunk
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
