I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
