I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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