It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
