she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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