she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
