I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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