wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
