I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
