I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Don't EVER smell your tampon
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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