ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
