her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
