At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
