Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
