really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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