So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
