I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
