I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
