8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
