she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
are you so shy because you have an std?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
