Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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