that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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