Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
