I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
These tits shall not be calmed
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
