there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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