i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
