officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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