Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
