I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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