Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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