i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
