So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
