I hate your face
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
