just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
