she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
