i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
