Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
