It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
