I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
