I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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