the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
