I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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