why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
