i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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