I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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