Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
