Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
