You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
