my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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