did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
literally had 100 drinks last night.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
