you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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